Mannequins in the coffee shop (fiction)

Unhappiness is never knowing what could have happened. What if? What if I were braver? What if the music was not that distracting? What if it was not closing time yet? What if time could stand still or turn back at my will?

What if the bad memories just faded away and only the version of you and me that remained was the one we mutually liked?

We would become mannequins, empty shells with fake emotions endlessly repeating what the other liked until one of us finally chose to move on. We would be happy for a while but it would be fleeting for both you and I are actually quite fond of change although we do protest it. In our plastic bodies all dressed to please each other, we would be uncomfortable and feel trapped. You would grow weary of my sarcasm and I would learn your mannerisms and mock them- for that is what I do.
You would tell me of adventures I had never been part of and share anecdotes more exciting than are friendly and loving tête a tête.  And I would be mad but patiently listen… for our conversations are always one sided. We talk, but we would not absorb. Plastic is that way.

Soon our unhappiness would start to show with forced motions forming jarring memories, and metallic emotions that we would learn to despise. The shiny happy people from technicolor movies who adored polaroids and brunches would realise their lives were like a daily soap on the telly that they escaped from in their perfect little coffee shop. This coffee shop.
This make shift home away from home where company was pleasing but cold and coffee was sweet but expensive.

They would soon despise each other, these fantasy versions of us. Yet you are perfect the way I picture you. I need to broaden my mind you say… You are the loveliest version of yourself when you are with me… Or is that just me projecting on this empty chair.

I am haunted by those memories. This coffee shop brings out the worst in me. I will not come here again I tell myself. I tip, I leave. Its is colder outside. Or maybe its an after effect of an operation. A surgical procedure where memories of you are being taken away. I can never come here again.

On Music, and discovering a new band…

I discovered a band.

I say that like it means a lot a lot to me. And really, it does. At different times in my life I have discovered a new band to crush on, to follow, to worship, to *like*… but while a band like daft punk may have a few songs I think have a good rhythm, they don’t completely invade my mind or have a lasting effect. For all the Carly Rae Jepsen’s of the world (I’ve never really heard her song. Its more like a bieber reference I am throwing in to sound cool…), Anyway, like I was saying,there are only a select few bands I admire and *LOVE*
I just found a band I love.

Joining the ranks with The Shins, Belle and Sebastian, God Help the Girl, Allo Darlin, Fleetwood Mac, The Smiths and Pink Floyd are one of my new favs… Camera Obscura

What matters really for bands is not the music- its the words. Thats what we remember, or mis-remember years later and those are the songs we imagine we are living. With Camera Obscura, I have found music and words that resonate with me perfectly. Its magical. Allo Darlin is a similar band- songs that are light, set to a decent melody and have a timeless quality to it. All these bands I like, they could have been from the 70’s or the 80’s. They are a bit retro… That some of them are making music in the same word where Lorde wins best rock album befuddles me. But most of popular music and the culture around it is crazy anyway. No offence to Lorde- she is cool. I actually like her music. But she could really write better. What’s with the queen bee, green pea whatever… references like that take me out of the music.

Songs need to mean something. They need to matter. After all, songs are an outlet for us non creatives to feel and experience what the artist is saying. No, feeling. A good writer is able to tell us a little something about them in the song. Some are able to narrate an experience- without having to shove in a pointless cryptic video. Oh and I hate the fact that MTV figured out that they don’t need to play good music. They just need to show pretty people. Unfortunately the democracy that is YouTube only convinces me that to the populous out there, it is not the music that matters, but the celebrity. Well, we have better taste.

Camera Obscura, a scottish band, fantastic lead singer. She sounds like Maria Taylor, only more retro. And I LOVE Maria Taylor. In some ways, this music is trapped in time. Like it were playing from a stereo. Remember those?

I recommend The Sweetest Thing. This is a crowd pleaser. It has a chorus you can’t help but sing to – see if you can spot the Fleetwood Mac joke in the start. It’s ‘rumored’ haha…

[the words]

But, the real song by this band that I *LOVE*, where the words matter more than the music is ‘New Years Resolution’..

[the words]


I’ve been cool with you
The sooner you admit it I will too

Anyway, later.


So I went from INTJ to ISFP.

How did that happen?

I took myers briggs today because I have more free time than sense and I measure my personality by filling forms and live how the results tell me how I should be living. If the results say I am a creative, I need to create and if it says I am a hopeless depressive, then I start listening to brooding songs. Jokes aside, I just moved from a personality type that is more methodical and analyzing to one that is all fluffy emptions and lets be best friends for ever buddy!!
The problem here is that I think I am actually changing as well. So its more than just the piece of paper sending me a message. I am actually fairly certain that I am not the typical INTJ any more. I do care about things like empathy and yes, I do like pretty/artistic things and reading people’s body language. Why I do this? I have no idea. I think it may have to do with that darned thing called age which, try as I might- is a thing that I cannot really “manage” I just have to live with it.

So what does my new ISFP status mean to anyone who interacts with me? Well, from what they say here…( it sounds like the following atleast they get right.

1.  ISFP is likely to not give themselves enough credit for the things which they do extremely well (Yes)

2. ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others (Never wanted to)

3. ISFPs are warm and sympathetic.(I try. you know nobody’s perfect)

4. ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. (But if i start talking you will… haha)

5. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously. (You can say that again)

The reality is though, I am sure I could find common themes in any number of other personality types. Can’t really live by this can I? I just need to do my own thing and it happens to result in an ISFP personality type, then so be it.

Que Sera Sera…

There are billions of stars in a galaxy, right? The numbers are so huge, its hard to comprehend how unlikely it is that things work the way they do. I am thinking about large numbers right now because I am thinking about probability. It has taken so many chances, so many mutations and so many small decisions for me to end up here right now- in this multiverse.

Big numbers always interest me, but if I want to be overwhelmed- I don’t have to think about planets and star systems. I only need think about people. We are complicated machines. I find human interactions- strange. So many things can go wrong. So many misunderstandings… It’s almost like an infinite number of possibilities on how a conversation can go. If I screw something up, I could really mess up a friendship. And so I remind myself…

  • I am not the only one with preferences and a memory…
  • I am not the only one who can hold a grudge.
  • I am not the only with good taste. In fact, in all likelihood, my taste sucks.

I was talking to a friend today and we briefly touched upon this idea that I always live in my head. “Its not all about you”. More than a few people have said this to me and I feel I should apologize right now. I do live in my head. I think its a seminal moment in our lives when somewhere between being a kid and and an adult, you suddenly realize that the people you are interacting with are not just dummies in your world but have thoughts and emotions too. If you end up being the more understanding type- you are empathetic and what management types would call ‘emotionally intelligent’. Or you could end up like me- someone who can judge the temperature of the room and adapt- but typically does so when its already a few degrees too cold due to something they have said. Damage control. I run damage control on most nights and blame it on being a child trapped in an adults body.

So here is the crux… when it comes to conversations, I often realise mid sentence that my friends are extremely tolerant listeners and that I, am the dominant speaker. They are not dummies. (I know that!)

I am the hero of my life’s movie. But, I know I am just a minor character in thiers. And yet, for the few moments that I am on screen, I talk- and talk- and talk… and they listen. It must really be awful to be my friend. And for me to imagine that they would like me or appreciate my company requires so many things to go right. Free will and all that. I might engineer a conversation, but not listening enough means I am basically leaving a lot up to chance.

So imagine me as a minor character in the life of my local barista. She is a ‘Robin’. I know she is, it says so right on her name tag. She has black hair that she has colored brown on the tips. She wears thick black glasses. She wishes me a good day and I ask her for a mocha. She is polite makes a joke about something I dont even bother listening to. I am more interested in my music. What to me is a meaningless 3 min conversation with Robin  seeing as she is after all a dummy in my life- might be a very different story from her point of view. Robin, has a mind. She has a life. She probably even has hopes and dreams like I do. I do not have an inflated sense of self importance however and I do not think I can remotely be the most interesting thing that happens in her life all day. No, I am the dummy.

So, in the end, what I am saying is… I need to be careful about how I handle conversations because I don’t want small things I do to leave bad memories in minds of others. But can I be aware and careful all the time? Can I be try and be more sensitive? Well, I sure can try. But in this infinite world- I may just have to leave this all up to chance. And… I have to trust my friends.

Its like the allo darlin track where my friends tell me, they have troubles too… but they try and keep it hidden from me. Simply because I have so much going on all the time- Or maybe I just talk about it more often:

I’ve got my troubles too you don’t know much about
I try to keep them hidden from you
So I won’t freak you out
You’re not the only one with dreams baby
And if you’re patient you will see maybe

Que sera sera
What will be will be
As long as you’re with me
It’s easy like taking candy from a baby

Uncomfortably excited about Gone Girl

There are two things you need to know about Gone Girl to be totally sold. And one of them is not the plot- which the trailer sort of hints at as being on-par with a case-of-the-week crime procedural. So boring, so been-there-done-that. But wait- it is actually a lot better than you think.

1) Its directed by David Fincher, who with a resume that includes awesome movies like Se7en and The Social Network, is easily one of the best directors around. Even his lesser known movies like 1997’s ‘The Game’ are nothing short of extraordinary.

2) The movie is adapted from a book of the same name that I completed this past week. Gone Girl by author Gillian Flynn is a really interesting, dark, suspense novel. I loved the book and we know that Fincher is great at adapting thrillers to the big screen as he did with Girl with the Dragon tattoo.

So yes, this is going to be a good movie, early reviews have been very positive: Here is the trailer.

Now, it is easy to jump to conclusions. This is just like an episode of a crime drama. It looks like it may be a story of how it is always the husband. But trust me, the novel is very well written and Rosamund Pike’s haunting dairy pages which are narrated in the trailer are maybe the best part of the book. The story is told with both the husband and wife’s point of view. And most of the problems these two have is because they do not talk to each other and explain what it is that they are thinking. They always want not to obsess about the others shortcomings, because they are not like that. But then they bottle up the anger. The husband- whom we dislike right from the start is not a likable character. This is in large part because the wife’s dairy reveals she is actually a very happy, very nice, very interesting. But, as the story progresses, we realize she is maybe not the innocent victim of a bad marriage. The husband meanwhile does nothing to improve his case. He does not appear to be the innocent guy who is being framed. There is a particular scene in the trailer where Ben Affleck smiles next to the picture of the missing wife. A man smiling while his wife has been missing? Taking selfies with pretty girls? he ignores his wife, borrows money from her, jacks up her insurance and while a lot of this is starting to sound clichéd, it is handled very well.

Perhaps a mark of how good an author Gillian Flynn is that I have basically butchered her story in that summary. I really have a lot of improving to do!

The book moves really fast and both the husband and the wife hide things from us. I am not sure how this will be handled in the movie, but I am optimistic and uncomfortably excited…

Taylor Swift would make an awesome, if irritating bestie

Oh I know I have lost so much credibility by writing about Taylor Swift on this blog when the title sort of indicates that the purpose of this post is not the internet’s favorite sport – Taylor Swift bashing. But read on. You may still be surprised.

So she was a country singer and now sings pop music. Teenage girls everywhere are devastated and bloggers are writing scathing reviews… I’m making this up as I go along. I don’t follow Taylor Swift all that much. But this is the gist of what I have gathered.

The funniest post I know about Taylor Swift is this post here on the awesome blog chartgirl: Taylor Swift Maneater


I say funniest. I meant terrifying.

But this afternoon I read this article on the latimes.

Taylor Swift fans treated to ‘1989’ listening party at singer’s home

She played her new album to her fans and “Swift reportedly made her guests pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies and had a dance party too.” Wouldn’t that be fun? And we all have seen her dance at awards shows. She genuinely looks like she doesn’t give a hoot and just wants to have fun.

She cannot dance. But how many of your friends actually can?

Later in the article when she talks about her fear that her album will be leaked, she says things like: “…Speakers put sound out … so can’t they take sound in? Or they can turn this [cellphone] on, right? I’m just saying. We don’t even know.” That’s right Taylor. We never will. Now take your medicine and go to bed. Okay- so I said I wasn’t not going to be bashing her, but it looks like I am.

To summarize, I wanted to share my thoughts on the mad fun times at Taylor’s apartment. She may be a good, entertaining person to hang around with. But there is baggage with talks about ex-boyfriends. It would be so difficult to keep track about which one she means when she says ‘My ex used to…’ Oh- okay. I had better stop before I end up being immortalized in one of her songs. Small chance though of that happening. It’s not like we went out or anything.


Hippie, Wes Anderson-y, VHS, Retro, Technicolor awesome

A look at my spotify playlists would lead most people to start recommending the nearest therapist and sharing their most personal, insightful remedies to forget the past and be happy.

Little do they know- sometimes, it feels good to be listen to some calm yet dreary sad music. It helps me focus on what I am working. But there are other times when I am really looking for a nice way to unwind and put a smile on my face. And in such seredipicious moments, like today, it was this song that rescued me.

Right, this movie will likely be okay to watch, but that’s not what caught my eye here. Its the cinematography, the color, the peppy, 50ish soundtrack. It does sound exactly likeBelle and Sebastian and its easy to tell why when you work out the origins of the band.

And here is the full song:

From a below average day, this song propelled my mood to aha! wonderful! The power of music eh?

And my remedy dear reader is not rainbows and butterflies. Although that does help. I would much rather picture summer days, snapping away pictures of tourists having a good time. Maybe being a teenager and care free at a fair, trying out the rides and spinning around until I’m dizzy. All these scenes of course would not be out of place in a Wes Anderson flick. And that would be awesome. That is after all my ideal vacation. Fantasy, but in real life. Or rather, my inflated sense of self importance where my story is narrated. And has chapters. And is just under 90 mins. I really have work to do, the break should be short and sweet.

Maybe its a good thing I’m not always in my happy mood. I seem to be getting some strange ideas when I am there.